On more than one occasion, I’ve spoken of my hate for breast cancer (actually any cancer) and my lack of conviction that I will ever be ‘glad’ it happened to me. I mean we all hear about those other wise souls who have moved into positive reflection, but in reality, I mean, really? Are you sure?
But as much as I’ve been thoroughly unconvinced in the past, something strange has started to happen. That is, I am starting to suspect I’m going to end up one of ‘those people’.
Before I go on I have to tell you something. You know how I often talk of roller coaster emotions? Well, right now, I feel like I am gathering momentum and heading to the top of the big dipper. Up next is the ride of my life.
OK, deep breath, such is my excitement I’m having to calm myself down. And no I haven’t fallen in love nor won lotto. In fact nothing has changed…and yet everything has.
Are you on the edge of your seat yet? I need to spit it out, don’t I? OK here goes…..I’ve had an epiphany.
For the past 11 years, I have been putting one foot in front of the other, moving as best I can towards my life goals. Here’s the rub. Since the cancer diagnosis, 10 months have passed and I’ve done a lot of changing. Turns out, I don’t have the same goals and dreams any more. As a result I’ve decided it’s time to turn my life upside down, throw caution to the wind and radically shift the goal posts! Let me explain….
When I returned from living in the UK in late 1999, I set course towards the life I wanted. I have kept my eye on that destination on the horizon ever since, doing everything in my power to take the right route (and root haha) there.
Where was I going? To my house, where I lived with my husband and kids, enjoying career and financial success, surrounded by my friends and family in sunny Sydney.
To be fair I got there. The problem is I got there alone. Not so much as a failed engagement along the way, I arrived at my house…and yep, seems it’s just me (and Chilli my gorgeous puppy). Happy that while I didn’t get to tick off the hubby and kids along the way, I still got the house, dog and career of my dreams.
And when it came to the man, you have to know I tried. I have been set up, speed dated, tried ‘hobbies’ and have been on more online dates than I’ve had hot breakfasts. I even spent a year writing a blog called the Husband Hunt in which time I continually forced myself out of my comfort zone in an attempt to find my ‘mate’. It was not to be.
Anyways, despite the disappointing love life, I was continuing the putting one foot in front of the other stuff, still dreaming I’d get there eventually. And then I went and got breast cancer. Not only that, I was informed for the sake of my health, children would not EVER be recommended.
So yes……Newsflash! I am not going to the same destination any more. In fact, I’ve learned my life would be better spent enjoying the journey than focused on the destination.
You better believe it, I am going to redesign my life, and let me tell you, there is going to be some major change on the horizon. Long term job? Got to go. Mortgage? I’m re-thinking that one. Bucket list? Let me at it.
It’s early days, I’m doing a lot of thinking about what I really want in life now. And maybe I don’t even need a fixed end point anymore. What seems more important is making the most of every day, refining as I go and sense checking that I’m happy along the way.
Back on earth of course I’m not about to quit my job today. In fact I am in the process of a risk vs adventure/fun analysis, weighing up options and doing my home work. This life change project of mine is going to take time and organisation. Also, let’s not forget I need to be around here for the next 6 months till I finish herceptin.
Nevertheless, I am excited. Wahooooooooooooooooooo.
nb. Who Moved My Cheese is an excellent book about embracing change.